Date #1 aka Camp Director

So I ventured out Saturday evening on my first online date for this project. I was expecting total disaster but it ended up being only about 78% as bad as I anticipated.

I began the day dropping my mom off at the airport and getting my hair done. No, I didn't spend $200 for bleach and a hair trim for the DATE. It just needed to be done.

I drove downtown to his high rise apartment directly from the hair salon. Brave to go alone to his place? Maybe. But he sounded harmless, it was daylight and his building had security guards. As I pulled up to the intercom I was silently praying that he would be cute. In my experience, online pictures only give an idea of potential attraction. The gate opened and I tried not to cringe. Not terrible but reminded me of skeletor a little bit.

We rode the elevator up to his beautiful apartment with a glorious view of downtown and as my eyes were just beginning to soak up the sites my nose began to argue with me. There was an unmistakable odor of marijuana and food. Now either this dude just smoked a bowl 3 minutes before I arrived or he smokes often enough for pot to permeate every surface of his apartment. I bent down to pet his cat, got a whiff of poor (or lucky) Gizmo and determined it was the latter. On the plus side he did give me a box of tissues and a SARS mask wrapped in a bow because I have been suffering from a cold. No joke.

He had tickets to a preseason football game at the bizarrely expensive spaceship like stadium so we headed out there. Not to sound like a bitch, well maybe a little bit, but his $350 club level seats at the 50 yard line were half the reason I was convinced to go out with him in the first place. The stadium was amazing. I was in a trance for the first half of the game. At least I pretended to be hypnotized so I didn't have to look directly at him when he smiled. If I had any doubt about quantity of pot he smokes, it quickly dissipated when I saw the deep brown stains between every single one of his teeth. Thinking about it now makes me gag.

As I stared at the dancing cheerleaders as large as airplanes on the jumbo tron, I was also able to avoid the 16 year old kid to my right who kept commenting on every screaming happy fan the camera showed on the giant television. His cruel (not at all funny) antidotes were almost as bad as his big scaly arms that he kept waving in my face. Gag again.

Towards the end of the game when most people are getting tipsy, the man in front of me was highly intoxicated and kept leaning back and almost smashing into my face. I politely tapped him and asked him to sit down. He told me to be nice and I might get what I want. Red, I saw red. So I whisper to my date...I love drunk guys especially the ones who intimate and try to scare women. Apparently alcohol gave this asshole super hearing because he turned around and told me "you better be scared." I stood up and told him I was getting security. My DATE was totally silent and just followed me out. When we got a safe distance away and he was relatively sure he wasn't going to get punched in the face Camp Director exclaims "wow, you don't take any shit do you? I am more of a pacifist." Where is my knight in fucking shining armor? Put the bong down man and stand up for your lady!

We leave the stadium and drive home into the gorgeous summer night. He tells me on the way that he had a cathartic experience taking Ecstasy a few weeks ago. It helped him get over a girl who dumped him for the third and final time. THEN he said he didn't like cheese of any kind. Not cheddar, gruyere, swiss, NONE. I don't know which is more disappointing. His drug habits or his dislike of the most perfect food known to man.

He has texted me about 5 times since then asking to see me again. Get your teeth whitened after rehab and maybe we'll talk.