Vintage Online Dating Story #1 aka Marine Biologist in my Pink Dress

This isn’t my first attempt at online dating. I tried the first time about 8 years ago when I moved to a new city far from home. It was lonely, I was bored and I still believed in true love. After what transpired, I know I must be insane to subject myself to this again.

Because this was the prehistoric era of online dating, most people did not post photos. Looking back it is bizarre to think I would actually decide to meet boys without having ANY idea what they looked like. But I went ahead and plugged my computer into the phone jack and began to “surf the web.”

The first guy I met was…how do I put this…a bible thumping stalker? I guess that is pretty accurate. He actually took me to see Pat Green before Pat Green was popular so I will give him props for that. (I had just moved to Texas and I remember seeing all the 20 year old boys in Wranglers and cowboy hats. Heavenly.) I am agnostic with my beliefs bordering on atheism so continuous talk about Jesus ain’t gonna cut it with me. I possibly could have overlooked his Christianity if I wouldn’t have come home from work one day and found him sitting outside my apartment in between the bushes and the sidewalk. Sigh. Do I REALLY need to call the police again?

The second guy I met was nice. He liked my cats, gave me rides to the airport, and bought me diamond earrings for Christmas. This was slightly creepy because I only went out with him 2 or 3 times. Keep in mind I was 22 and didn’t have a care in the world when it came to breaking hearts. So I broke his when I met the next one who was quite a snooze so I stole his carpet cleaner to entertain myself. I should have stayed with Diamond Earrings boy a little longer.

Then comes the fourth guy aka Marine Biologist in my Pink Dress.

Now, this is one of the most fucked up things that has ever happened to me and I have a God given gift for bringing fucked up shit into my life. I think he cooked dinner for me on our first date. He was cute little blond boy getting his masters degree in marine biology. He was nice and really liked me so I let him hang out with me a few times. I would have been more excited about him but he didn’t really like to drink. I was 22, all I did was DRINK! We would go out to a bar and after 3 beers he would become mute and refuse to move. You know, that type of drunk. B-O-R-I-N-G!

I was just beginning to tire of his refusal to hang from chandeliers and/or wear a lampshade when IT happened. My car was having issues so he spent the night at my apartment. The next morning he wakes me up by knocking on my bedroom door. My bathroom and clothes closet were separate from the bedroom area. He said he had a surprise for me. Breakfast in bed? How nauseatingly sweet is that! Too bad I almost barfed for a much more disturbing reason.

He sloooowly opens the door and I almost go blind. He is wearing my pink dress, high heeled sling backs and is holding a tray of scrambled eggs, juice and bacon. He sits on the bed and pulls the dress up and says “look! I even have your panties on.” I want to die. I want him to leave. I don’t want eggs. I possibly don’t want eggs ever again. I dare myself to look at him and he has makeup on. My makeup! Lipstick, mascara, the whole nine yards! I need to get this guy out of my house NOW. This isn’t funny. Or cute. Nobody belongs rummaging thru my underwear drawer. I feel violated. So I jump up and run outside on the balcony to smoke a cigarette. It is February so he throws a hoody on over the dress and comes out with me. Sitting in the chair with his legs crossed lady like style, swinging my high heeled shoe, I almost began to cry. He was upset I didn’t understand his humor. I told him it is only ok to dress up like a woman on Halloween.

He pouted and finally left. I put plastic baggies over my hands, picked up the dress, shoes, panties, bra (not my favorite bra dude!) and brought them to the dumpster praying this was the last I would hear from my cross dressing ex-boyfriend. No such luck. A couple weeks later I go out to my car and there is a note on my windshield asking for a refund for the Valentine’s Day gifts he bought me. An itemized list with the costs and tax. The laugh I got from that was almost worth losing my favorite bra. Almost.

I gave up online dating for a few years.