The Real World

I was very focused on writing this blog, going on only one date with each guy and not letting my heart get caught up. I failed.

I became involved with the yoga instructor to some degree although I think I liked him much more than he liked me. Lots of chemistry but we are just not compatible. At all.

I also met a nice guy. Things went quite fast at first. He was kind, liked my dog, had similar religious and political views…it seemed like a good “match” on paper but I was BORED to tears. I tried, I really did. I thought there might be something wrong with me. I have been alone for so long and had my heart broken so brutally I was starting to get scared that I am no longer capable of intimacy. Of letting anyone into my life. He would come over to my house and I could hardly look at him. I just wanted him to leave so I could watch Project Runway alone. Unfortunately he brought over a toy for my dog so I felt guilty and mean telling him to get the hell out. So I kept trying. We went to the State Fair one night and that was the end. He was irritating, smelled like a moldy basement, was sweating like a pig while eating a pork chop off a stick and teasing me about my dietary choices. Oh and jokes about “being on the rag” are never, EVER funny. Grow up.

So I tried to end things with him after that but like the sweaty, shaky, nervous fly that he is, he continued to hover around. I was swatting like a mad woman but trying to be nice about it. I was kicking myself over and over for agreeing to date him in the first place. 33 years old and never had a “real” girlfriend, is a terrible driver, isn’t handy in any capacity…really doesn’t do anything except hang out with a married couple, mow his lawn and grow marijuana plants in his garage. Yawn. I think I may have fallen asleep while writing that. What the fuck was I thinking? I really shouldn’t be so angry about spending time with him because one night I was so fed up with him suffocating me that I decided to go out…

And that is where I met the man of my dreams…in a bar late at night. He was so beautiful. Tall, grey hair, that sexy accent and the most perfect hands I have ever seen. But I have learned that you don’t meet anyone of substance in a bar – thanks Mom. I didn’t think much of it after that night. I never thought that he would call so I carried on with the wet blanket and my bad boy yoga instructor. And then he called Friday afternoon to take me to lunch. I flew up from behind my desk and frantically drove home to put something halfway attractive on. I threw my hair up into a ponytail and hoped for the best.

I met him at a kind of fancy restaurant. I walked in and he was sitting at the bar. First thought: Holy shit Jessica. He is better looking than you remember. Breathe. Just breathe. Second thought: Please don’t fall down while I walk over there. Please.

I made it over to the stool safely and slowly took in the full picture close up. Golly, he is a handsome man in his crisp, black, fitted button up shirt, perfect jeans and shoes. Third thought: Why didn’t I get that manicure yesterday? Fuck. Ok, I am going to be ok. Breathe.

When I get to the stool and he says “you look so good…so beautiful” My heart melts (hoping he isn’t blind) and then he kisses me on the cheek. He smells like heaven. We had a great lunch. The conversation flowed really easily. We talked about work mostly. I held my own and didn’t become a terrified mute. Success (hand pumps air). At the end of lunch he asked me to go out again. He said his friend is having a going away party on Saturday. I said nope, we need to go on a date alone first so he asked me to go out that very night. WHAT! My mind starts racing…what am I going to wear? What type of place is he going to take me to? Is he going to break my heart? HOLD ON!! Yoga is teaching me that I am too concerned with the end results of things so I miss out on enjoying the moment. And I really freaking need to enjoy this moment.

I went back to work and could hardly concentrate so I left early to buy a new shirt for the date (and shoes and earrings). I felt pretty and classy in a cardigan sweater and flowing, flowery top and jeans. Much better than my lunch ensemble, I promise you that. And as we were driving to the restaurant in his fast and very fancy car, I felt so amazing and lucky. We sat outside and snuggled in these huge chair/couch things under the stars. The weather was glorious. He asked for a kiss and butterflies almost burst thru my belly.
The restaurant was actually at my favorite mall (place) in the city. Upscale and diverse. I love it there but was so intimated by it when I first moved here. As we were walking thru it on the way out I felt like…almost an out of body experience. Now, here I am, that girl I only dreamt of being…in my WILDEST dreams…on the arm of this rich, handsome man. Look at me now world. Look at me now.