Why online dating is so discouraging + I heart my yoga instructor

One month into online dating and I am already feeling bored, frustrated and a little sad. Even with the best intentions of viewing this only as a social experiment and a project to fill my time, I can't help but allow feelings of loneliness and fear to creep in. That silent and pounding thought of "being alone forever" hums in my heart if I am not consciously batting it away.

I am about 97% certain I won't meet the man of my dreams or even a 3 month boyfriend online. Ok, that I can handle. The flip side...WHERE will I meet him? The last time I met a boy I even remotely considered as a potential interest was months ago while I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown in Minnesota after the supposed love of my life dumped me in the most brutal way possible. But I met this beautiful and interesting boy in a bar around 2am (I think). This was after I sat alone at a dingy bar literally crying in my beer in the corner for about 4 hours. We spent some time together that weekend and I still think about him. Too bad I was such a disaster and he lives a million miles away. And let's not forget, I met him in a BAR.

It is absurd to hope to meet him at work. My office environment gives very few opportunities of meeting anyone other than the delivery guys. So this really leaves only one other option. Yoga.

I have been religiously attending yoga for a few months now. Ever since evil farm boy dropped me like a hot potato and ran like the wind, I was having these night terrors trying to fall asleep at night. Wicked panic attacks that would last until I drank mouth fulls of codeine cough syrup. This seemed like a good solution at the time ok! I knew I needed to find a better solution though. The next morning my head would feel like I slept in the dryer (set to permanent press) the night before. So in lieu of begging my doctor for cases of Xanax and probably overdosing due to my sleep eating disorder, I listened to my mom and ex-therapist and joined a yoga class.

I was so nervous the first time I went. Panicked is putting it mildly. My entire body was vibrating and sweating. I walked into class looking like a human sprinkler and vomited my story of heartbreak and psychiatric issues to the yoga instructor. He was kind and calm and cute and told me some bullshit about how thoughts aren't real, blah, blah, blah. I was just trying not to pass out from fear. After a few classes I began to notice my strength and flexibility increasing and realized I wasn't having any trouble falling asleep. In so many ways, I feel like yoga saved me from going off the deep end. I made it through one of the toughest times in my life without breaking into a million pieces. I am forever grateful for that.

Fast forward a few months to last Thursday as I was driving home from work I saw the most perfect rainbow. It was a complete arc and every color was so distinct. It looked like it was going to rain again but I walked to yoga anyway. I was drenched by the time I got there and I was alone with the yoga instructor. We talked for awhile and it seemed nobody else was going to show up so I said we can forget class...it's just too weird to do yoga alone at the gym. He said "we could go grab a beer and watch the football game." Be still my heart. I looked at him and fully recognized I have developed a massive crush on this man. It didn't really occur to me at first and I probably put it out of my mind because I didn't want anything to ruin yoga for me. But this is the first time in years I have met someone in the light of day, became friendly with first and felt my heart go pitter patter. Unfortunately some other people showed up for class. He helped me into an arm stand and as I was standing on my head, trusting he wouldn't let me fall, I wondered if he was looking down and liking me too. Concentrate woman...not breaking my neck should really take precedence. He gave me a ride home that night. It was still raining. So now what do I do? I keep (ironically) repeating a mantra in my head. "I will not become romantically involved with my yoga instructor. I will not become romantically involved with my yoga instructor. I will not become romantically involved with my yoga instructor." Every time I have tried this attempt at resistance in the past I have failed miserably. I tend to the exact opposite of what is "right."

So tomorrow is a big day. I move into my new "corner" office and I go to yoga class with my heart filled with all the hope and expectation of a 16 year old girl.

I have an online date scheduled for Wednesday so hopefully I will be off this tangent and back on track with my next blog. My heart will thank me for playing it safe right?