15 Reasons I Hate February

1. Cold, snow, ice
2. Valentine's day
3. Spending Valentine's day alone
4. Spending Valentine's day alone stalking Mr. Ex on Facebook and finding a picture
of him snuggling with his new girlfriend who looks like the offspring of a Real Housewife of Orange County who mated with Skeltor. Waaaaa!!!
5. Spending Valentine's day WITH A COLD (snotty nose and a cough), alone, and stalking ex boyfriends on Facebook
6. Working like a crazy fool, weekends included without a pay raise
7. Getting an assistant to help with my massive work load (positive) but having to train her on how to help me (SUCKS!)
8. My step grandma died...she was a really cool lady
9. Contemplating life and death and worrying I am wasting mine away. Alone.
10. Next month I turn 31. How the hell can that be happening? I need to pay better attention
11. Not being able to sit in my comfy chair on my balcony and smoke 27 cigarettes after work while bitching on the phone to my best friend about how much Feb sucks. I have to sit inside and bitch because it is so fucking cold - not as fun
12. Working like a crazy fool while my bosses are off on tropical islands somewhere...yes, I am allowed to be jealous
13. Dirty cars, dirty dog, dirty house. It really shouldn't snow in Dallas. Didn't I move from MN to get away from this shit?
14. Getting really tired of wearing pants and tights to work...I want to wear summer skirts already! Come on sunshine!
15. Missing yoga for 2 weeks because of work and sickness = gaining weight and worrying about bikinis that I so want to wear soon

13 more days left if I can survive this awful month.

Pic taken end Feb of 09 - this gives me hope but I still hate February:

And the Sun Still Shines

Positive thinking, feeling, hoping, dreaming...that is my goal for 2010.
I have spent way too much time focused on the negative the past 10 years and maybe my whole life. I forget about all the small things that I am so lucky to have in my life.

My health, my good, secure job with ample opportunity to grow, financial stability and security, nice apt to come home to every night, people who support and love me, ambition, yoga, ability to travel, freedom to be me, freedom to choose the next path in life, looking more like 25 than 30 years old, living in a city with some amazing stores and restaurants, an awareness that everyday is a special gift and I am damn grateful to be alive. I really am.

Some of my favorite things: Basil, Patricia Cornwell book, Andrew Wyeth art book, freaking DIET COKE, fresh flowers...just thinking about sitting on that couch makes me take a deep breath and relax...




only one favorite thing missing: Kohler, my angel kitty



See how lucky I am!

Never Say Never & Wet Cat Food 30 Days Later

Mr. Ex aka Mr. Wrong yet soooo want him to be Right called me yesterday. Called ME. Called me on the PHONE. Called my cell phone. Yesterday afternoon while I was at work.

I heard the familiar ring and dug around in my purse to find that little beat up green phone thinking it was my mom calling to talk about her remodeling project. Oh no. I saw his name and had a true out of body experience. I stared at it for a second as my life flashed before my eyes before I hit talk. “Hello JessEca dis is…” Holy moly. I almost fell off my chair. I started shaking and sweating. I am certain he could hear my heart pounding on the other end of the line. I thought he was calling about something bad. Perhaps a tragedy with one of his friends or maybe he is being deported back to Eastern Europe. But no. He called to CHAT. CHAT! Like I haven’t spent the last month crying, wailing, praying, hibernating…trying to get over him. Thinking about him 58 times per day. Driving thru the parking lot of the bar where we first met and staring at his car. Angry, sad and alone. Going to our favorite Chinese restaurant alone at a table for two and chewing on my fortune cookies with such visceral lonliness that my jaw hurt.
Could almost feel him in the chair next to me. Touching his jeans and feeling his hard, beautiful leg against mine. Telling me that my eyes are so beautiful…they sparkle.

He asked me questions. About what I did for New Years and Christmas. Told me everything he has been up to. I didn’t know what to say. I was so trying to play it cool. Not to stutter or scream. I divulged nothing. He asked about my animals, my family. I wanted to burst. Exploding inside. He went on an on about his job and what he has been doing. Said he was calling to thank me for the lawyer I put him in touch with. Ok. Said his divorce is final. What the hell dude? WHY? Why did you call me? To torture me? To totally fuck up my Tuesday afternoon?

He said he wanted to respond to my email that I wrote exactly a month ago but he didn’t feel comfortable writing back to my work email. He said I shouldn’t use my work email for private matters. TOLD me not to do that anymore. WHO IN THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS? Telling me to do anything?

He asked me to send him my personal email address and to stay in touch. Is he going to respond to my email NOW? NOW! Stay in touch! This made it all feel real again. Not like the dream I worked so hard to compartmentalize in my mind and heart.

I blame it on the cat food. The night I met him I had a case of rotten cat food in my trunk. I bought it from Super Target and Lord did it stink. One of the cans must have opened during shipment and I didn’t realize it until it was in the trunk of my car. I was worried people would walk by and think I was Casey Anthony. I bought a case of cat food yesterday for the first time since then. Stupid cans of Iams gourmet Salmon filet.

In the profound words of Blue October:
So just pick your head up and
Walk away
Walk the coolest walk that you know
In a month or two the bitch will call you
You got to
Hang up the phone...