Pleasing Pig Principles

I remembered something today…about Mr. Ex. His friends invited us to do a mini Amazing Race type thing a few weeks ago. We tried for about an hour but it was tough, his English isn’t great and it was dark and cold outside. During the first leg of the race we happened to drive past my office building. I pointed it out thinking he might be a little curious where I spend my days. He didn’t even look where I was pointing. Just said “yeah?” I should have known then he wasn’t all that into me. One Sunday he drove me all the way (15 miles +) to his old house where he once lived with his wife and I was fascinated. Because I really liked him. Wanted to know everything about him. Willing to do anything for him and never, ever rock the boat.

On our last “date” together we went out for a nice dinner in Uptown and then for coffee and chocolate cake at a little French café. It was as romantic as it sounds. Held my hand. The lighting was perfect. It was cold outside. One of those nights I felt light and airy and happy and beautiful and lucky. Or at least I convinced myself I did because I ate pork that night. I don’t eat pork. I haven’t for months and months. I told him I don’t eat pork. We shared a pizza for dinner. He ordered it with sausage. He didn’t remember. Or maybe he did and was waiting for me to say something. But I sat there enthusiastically agreeing with his selection because I wanted him to be happy, for him to have what he wanted was more important than my principles. My love of pigs. They are like really smart dogs. I can’t eat something that plays and tries to snuggle with you while you pet it. No way. But I did! I lost myself in that moment or maybe I lost myself the moment I met him. Wanting to please him. Maybe he noticed this. I thought I saw him pause and look at me when he ordered. Maybe he was waiting for me to stand up to him and say what I needed or wanted. This causes me such a deep sense of shame. By me trying to be perfect for him, it made all my actual imperfections so apparent. I am sorry little pigs. I am sorry to the strong woman I am striving to be.