Rapunzel, the Mailman and Monday

I spent the weekend hiding, hibernating, thinking. I didn't even leave my apartment except to walk the Basil. Honestly, it felt good to be so lazy and eat and eat and eat. When I get stressed, I totally and immediately lose my appetite. Between falling in love and then experiencing the loss of that...I had lost at least 5lbs in the past month. I am sure I gained it back over the last 3 days.

The mailman just came into my office and asked if I am going home next week. Only 11 days until Christmas. I am not going home. Just twice in 30 years have I not gone home for the holidays. Part of me would like to see my friends and family of course but mostly it sounds depressing. Thanksgiving was emotionally exhausting per normal and last Christmas was, well, something to be left in the history books. I don't want to self-destruct. The mailman also asked how I was doing, asked if I get lonely...locked away like Rapunzel...alone in my office. Ouch. Is it that obvious? My alone-ness? My loneliness? How do I remove that sign from my forehead?

My mom always says that I "need to be alone for awhile." The anger boils every time that phrase comes out of her mouth. She has NO IDEA how much time I have spent alone over the past 8 years. In Texas. Even living with my ex, I was alone so much. He travelled almost every week for work. Last Friday, during my lunch break, I drove to our old apartment. The one he chose 6 years ago for us when we first moved to Dallas. I sat there and stared at that apartment for about 10 minutes and thought about all that has occurred since the day we pulled up with our furniture, filled with hope of a new life in a new city. Within days I felt alone again. Nothing really had changed. We had so many dreams. So many. One choice here and another choice there and we didn't last.

Gosh I hate the holidays. The melancholy follows me around like a trail of smoke from my heart. I gotta blow that fire out.